HATIC plot spoof!
by The Sama Sisters
Summary: A hilarous plot spoof I sure you shall enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

And so the spoof BEGINS...

The scene takes place...in the thieves' guild! The guild master, Galem Darkhand, with Masila, Valin, and some anthro idiot Tuskaninny (with feathers in his cap) by his side, sifts through a pile of treasures and useless crap.

Galem (holding a cup in one hand and skull in the other): Statues, pottery, and a few old books--

Valin: And you got a cup and skull too, boss!

Galem: --...yes, and these too. HARDLY worth the effort to bring back--

Valin: Yeah, dog! Where's da weed?

Masila: Quiet, monkey!

Valin: Bitch, watchoo call me? -pounces on her-

Masila: ARGH!

Galem: Get this rubbish out of my sight!

Tuskaninny: The treasure, or Masila and the monkey?

Galem: Both. T.T -watches as the stuff is taken away-

Random Korbat (reading an old piece of paper): My Lord, there is something interesting here!

Galem: O RLY?

Korbat: Uh...yeah. I can't make it all out but there is some mention of a very special gem.

Galem: O RLY?

Korbat: Um...yes...

Galem: HOW special?

Korbat: It says there is a huge gem called the Heart of the Mountain that is said to bring eternal life. It says something about a key to the heart deep within a tomb with these strange markings on it. That is all I can make out, sir.

Galem: -grabs paper and holds it up for all to see- You are my most valuable thieves and--

Valin: Boy, we yo' ONLY thieves!

Galem: --...and I have a little task for you. There is something I want hidden in a tomb somewhere. The tomb has strange markings on it like this.

Masila: Like what?

Galem: Like this. -holds out paper-

Masila: O RLY?

Galem: YES. Bring what is inside the tomb to me and I will reward you very richly. We shall meet in a month at the foot of Terror Mountain. Now be off and find me my prize!

Valin: YES, SIR! 8D

Galem: Wait! I have a special mission for you.

Valin: O RLY?

Galem: ...-bitch slaps Valin- YES!

END OF CHAPTER ONE

Oh...what will happen now? Find out next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: Neopets is owned by TNT, not me:D

(Spoof typed up by Return Of Itsy with a little revision by The Dono Trio -AKA- Chibi-Dono Nebu-Dono and Sami-Dono)

Chapter-frikin'-two

Scene takes place with Hannah in a tavern, dancing on a table and gloating as usual while her fans and admirers watch.

Hannah: They call me Hannah the slut, Hannah the bitch. I'll get you the gems and be out in a tick. When they see Hannah coming, they all scream and run! Chasing off fiends with my body odor is fun!

Kanrik (looking like Aragorn from LOTR as he sits in a dark corner, watching Hannah): Oh...I look so sexy...yyyeaaaaah.

Hannah (counting the money people stuck in her clothes for dancing like a slut): La la la la la...

Kanrik: Excuse me, Hannah?

Hannah: Yo?

Kanrik: I have heard of your great deeds and could use your assistance with a matter of grave importance.

Hannah: A' ight, but it's $110 an hour, buddy.

Kanrik: Oh, no! I don't mean that.

Hannah: Well then, I'm listening...

Kanrik: My sister is dying and I need to help her. -shows Hannah the old paper with the symbols-

Hannah: Oh...pretty paper! 8D AND IT SHINEH!

Kanrik: ...Indeed. The cure is hidden in a tomb somewhere and I lack the experience to retrieve it. My only clues are these strange symbols.

Hannah (examining paper): Hmm... I have seen something like those symbols before.

Kanrik: O RLY?

Hannah: OMG ya!

Kanrik: Lyk omg rly?

Hannah: Ya totally d00d!

Kanrik: Ongz yay!

Hannah: It was a long time ago when I was in the Lost Desert--

Princess Amira (from the Lost Desert plot): OMG YAY! I'm from the Lost Desert! PWNESS!

Jazan (from the same plot): SWET. 8D

Kanrik: OMG U MEANIES GET OWT OF OWR PLOT omG!1!

Hannah: WIYA! -uses Hannah fu to get rid of them-

Jazan and Amira: OMG! xO

Kanrik: Please Hannah, take me there. Help me save my sister.

Hannah: The Lost Desert is far, I don't know...

Kanrik (dumping a bag of gems in front of her): I can pay you, my family is wealthy.

Hannah: Oh...SHINY! ME LIKE SHINY!

Kanrik: Oh, I know ya do, ya dirty bitch...

Hannah (drooling over gems): Huh? Wha wazzat?

Kanrik: Um... Here, take these now. You can have more when I get back to my village.

Hannah: YAY MORE SHINY. I hope you've packed your summer clothes! Let's get going!

Kanrik: Yes! Score! >D

END.


	3. Chapter 3

Spoof typed up by Return Of Itsy with a little revision by The Dono Trio -AKA- Chibi-Dono Nebu-Dono and Sami-Dono)

.:CHAPTER THUH-REE:.

Scene takes place with Kanrik talking to two thieves about getting rid of Hannah. OMG oops I just spoiled them getting rid of Hannah. LOL!1one

Kanrik (to Techo and Kau): Follow close behind us, but make sure your presence is not known. I want you near in case there is any trouble.

Techo: I want you near too, baby...

Kanrik and Kau: O-O. -slowly inch away-

(Next scene shows Hannah appearing next to Kanrik and NOT noticing the two thieves blatantly hiding behind him)

Hannah: All set? Let's get going.

Kanrik: Wait, I gotta snuff... -pulls out a bag of coke-

Hannah: 0.0;

Kanrik: -snuffs- AW dat's the shizzle right there. Alright, where were we?

Hannah: Kanrik, your nose is bleeding...

Kanrik: I'M HIGH, BITCH! 8D

(They both start their journey)

Hannah: So tell me more about your village. How did it get infected?

Kanrik (still high): Dayum...we don't know. First it was one, den two, den six, den eleventy, den...um...don't 'Y' come after eleventy, dawg?

Hannah: ...The law of psychics?

Kanrik: Yeah... Then it spread, dog. It was all like, up in dere an' shit and like makin' people sick and just GAH and BLAH an' "Oh i'm sick i need sum medical marijuana dawg" and then like WAH and people fallin' and stuff and yeah. 8(

Hannah: ...O RLY?

Kanrik (snuffing more coke): YEAH. Them weak mofo's was all like "OMG i don feel good lolzhiasdfghjkl" and I'm like "Yo lemme help you" and then I'm like "PSYCH! You gon' die, bitch!" and then, you know...just a few healthy ones left...

Hannah: Dear Christ... O-O;

Kanrik: Yuh. My sister, she-- (Kanrik loses his balance and begins to fall off a cliff. What the hell they were doing walking by the edge of a cliff I'll never know.)

Hannah: Hm... Should I help you?

Kanrik: ONG HANNAH! HELP PLZ KTHNX!1shift1one

Hannah: -grabs his hand- I've got you. Climb up slowly.

Kanrik: Thanks, dawg...-hic-Ohm...I feel high again! WHHEEEEEE!

(Next scene shows them sitting by a campfire at night)

Hannah (blowing on a mug of soup): You said something about your sister earlier. What is she like?

Kanrik (is no longer high): You remind me of her, somewhat. She loved to sing and dance.

Hannah: O RLY?

Kanrik: YA RLY. But now, she has barely enough energy left to whisper. I have to get that cure, Hannah, for her sake.

Hannah: -pats his head- Don't worry, we will find it.

END.

Behind the scenes...

Kanrik: So... Hannah... We're out here. Alone. No one else but us. Together. By a fire. With blankets. And a roomy tent...

Hannah: Oh...what are you THINKING, Kanrik? -giggle-

Kanrik: I'm thinking...we shouldn't let this beautiful night, warm blankets, and inviting tent go to waste...

Hannah: You mean we should... xO

Kanrik: Exactly. I challenge you to a game of NeoSolitaire. In the tent, now.

Hannah: You're on!


	4. Chapter 4

Spoof typed up by Return Of Itsy with a little revision by The Dono Trio -AKA-  
Chibi-Dono Nebu-Dono and Sami-Dono)

(Make this line bold, Nebu -->)ONGz!1! CHAPTER FOUR!1(end bold)

(Make this in italics -->)(Scene takes place with Hannah and Kanrik walking  
through and old tomb)(end italics)

Kanrik: Damn, we sure got here fast.

Hannah (looking at the carvings made in walls): These markings are very old.

Kanrik: No need to state the obvious. :

Hannah: -glares- Screw you!

Jeran (from the Battle for Meridell plot): HAHAHaHAhaAHA!11! YOU SAID 'SCREW'!  
HAHAHA!

Hannah: Indeed... Jeran, don't you have somewhere to be?

Jeran: If you mean a bar, then yes. 8D -runs off-

Hannah: Feh...damn randomness... -reads the carvings- Interesting... I can't  
make it all out, but it says 'A demi-god of awesome power lies within'.

Kanrik: O RLY?

Hannah: YUH RLY OK? A gawd, wowz!1 There must be some amazing treasure here.  
Let's find out!

(Hannah runs through all sorts of traps to show off her1337 skillz.)

Kanrik: -trips her on purpose- OOPS.

Hannah: OMG AH! -lands on a spike-

Kanrik: You're bleeding.

Hannah: DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT? THERE'S A F-ING SPIKE THROUGH MY TAIL!

Kanrik: Is it serious?

Hannah: WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? DO YOU NOT SEE THE TORRENTS OF  
BLOOD GUSHING FROM MY TAIL WOUND?

Kanrik: Well...are you okay?

Hannah: WELL WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THI--...wait, yeah I'm fine. -stands up and  
dusts herself off- 'Tis only a flesh wound. Anyways...

(Hannah finishes running through the traps)

Hannah: W00t! I made it through alive!

Kanrik: That's nice...but HOW THE HELL am I supposed to GET PAST THESE THINGS?

Hannah: 8

Kanrik: ...

Hannah: I already set the damn things off. You should be able to just walk right  
past them no problem.

Kanrik: Oh, OKAY! n.n -skips past the traps- Tra la la la la... Hey, this is  
eas--(trips) OOF!

Hannah: LOL!one!1

Kanrik: Damn you, stylish but impractical boots!

Hannah: Your boots weren't made for walkin'... XD

Kanrik: T.T

Hannah: -gasp- LYK, WAIT! I heard something behind us... o.o

Kanrik: It was Joe Momma.

Hannah: 8

Kanrik: ...what?

Hannah: I guess it was nothing. I hope this tomb doesn't hold any more  
surprises--

Itsy: -jumps out at them from nowhere- SURPRISE!

Hannah: E! -pauses for breath- EK!

Kanrik (clutching his chest): Gah! What the hell, woman?

Me: Tee hee... -prances off-

(Next scene shows Hannah and Kanrik in front of a large door with a strange  
marking on it)

Hannah: This must be the inner chamber.

Kanrik: O RLY? I never would have guessed... -cough-

Hannah (is all haughty and stuff): As your superior, I WILL GO FIRST. Keep an  
eye out for--(Hannah steps on a loose stepping stone, setting off a booby trap.  
LOL BOOBY)

Kanrik: O.O

Hannah: What was that?

Kanrik (sniffing more coke): Huh? I'unno.

Hannah: -rolls eyes- Thank you, Kanrik. You're such a big help.

(Door opens and the strange marking on the door starts to glow, burning a  
smaller version of the marking onto Hannah's arm)

Hannah (staggering back in pain off the edge of a cliff): Eep! Who put this  
cliff here?

Lord Kass (from the BfM plot): -hides-

Hannah (hanging on for dear life, though her life isn't worth much): Kanrik!  
Help me!

Kanrik (glaring down at her evily): NEVA! Muhahahaha!(Steps on fingers)

Hannah: YOUI LITTLE BI---(falls)

Director: Cut! Cut! Kanrik, this is not the Lion King.

Me: Yeah, that movie SUCKED anyways!

Hannah (looses grip and falls): KANRIK! YOU BACKSTABBING, UNTRUSTWORTHY,  
LOW-LIFE, SCUMMY, HORRID PILE OF SH--(Hannah's voice fades away as she continues  
to fall down)

Kanrik: Success! Hahaha! -does pelvic thrust of victory-

(The two thieves Kanrik spoke with earlier walk up)

Kau: Is everything all right? We heard a scream.

Kanrik: Yes, everything is fine now, let's move on.

END! (dun dun dun)


	5. Chapter 5

(Spoof typed up by Return Of Itsy with a little revision by The Dono Trio -AKA-  
Chibi-Dono Nebu-Dono and Sami-Dono)

CHAPTER FIVE (omg!)

(Scene takes place with Hannah safely landed on a ledge and Kanrik inside the  
tomb with his two henchmen) ((Note: Whoever the artist is that drew chapter 5  
draws like shit))

Hannah (bandaging the arm with the burn from the strange marking): Curse you,  
Kanrik!

Kanrik (inside the tomb pointing to a large stone box): So much for treasures.  
This room is empty apart from this thing. Pick it up, you two.

Techo: YES SIR! salutes-

Kanrik: Was that necessary?

Techo: ...maybe...

Kanrik: Quick now, Galem waits at Terror Mountain.

(Scene changes to Hannah throwing up a rope and pulling herself up)

Hannah (walking through the door Kanrik left open, the same one that gave her  
the burn on her arm): -touches the runes on the wall- There has to be something  
more here.

Lord Kass: I'm here! 8D

Hannah: -whirls around- AH!

Kass: AH!

Hannah: AH!

Kass: AH!

Hannah: Fuck!

Kass: 8O Bad word! I SHALL TELL JOE MOMMA!

Hannah: Will you help me? D

Kass: Sorry, I've got somewhere to be! -prances off girlishly-

Hannah: FEH! -goes back to reading the runes- I wish I could understand all  
this! Dust has been piling up here for... OH! (secret compartment opens to  
reveal a kick-ass necklace with a giant red gem in the center)

Necklace: You can't afford me, b1tch! Just TRY and take me, I dare you!

Hannah: -takes-

Necklace: DIZZAM!

Hannah: HELLZ DIS A FINE PIECE O' BLINGAGE! THIS should make the trip  
worthwhile!

(Scene changes to Hannah in a nearby Lost Desert village)

Hannah: They must have a doctor of some kind here... HM... -looks at a building  
with a giant red '+' sign and says 'DOCTOR'- Hm... Nah, this couldn't be the  
place. -walks along whistling-

Cybunny doctor: -runs out of building- YO! SCHTOOPIT! I'M A DOCTA!

Hannah: O RLY?

Cybunny doctor: YEAH.

Hannah: YEAH?

Cybunny: YEAH!

Hannah: YEAH?

Cybunny: YEAH!

Hannah: Okay.

(Scene changes to show the Cybunny doctor bandaging Hannah's arm)

Cybunny: This is a very nasty wound you have here, Hannah. It is a powerful  
curse that is beyond my ability to heal.

Hannah: Aw shit, my luck just gets worse and worse, doesn't it?

Cybunny: Yeah you're pretty screwed.

Hannah: Bleh. 'Tis only a flesh wound. It will heal soon enough. Thank you for  
your help, but I must leave for Terror Mountain at once.

Cybunny (handing Hannah a bundle of clothing): If you insist on going you will  
need warmer clothes. Here, take these.

Hannah: Dayum, dese some fine threads!

Cybunny: Hellz yuh!

(Scene changes to Terror Mountain, where a figure wrapped in scarf and blankets  
walks toward Taelia the Snow Faerie's house)

Figure: -knocks on the door, then passes out-

Taelia: -opens door-

Lord Kass: -pops up from out of nowhere- Quick! Check his wallet!

Taelia: Oh...good idea! -steals wallet- Ahem... (goes back to being Miss Goody  
Two-shoes) Oh my, another lost soul. When will they learn?

(Taelia carries the figure inside)

END! O.O


	6. Chapter 6

Spoof typed up by Return Of Itsy, with a little revision by The Dono Trio -AKA-  
Chibi-Dono Nebu-Dono and Sami-Dono.  
Disclaimer: WE DON'T OWN NEOPETS! D: IF WE DID IT WOULDN'T SUCK SO MUCH.

-

xCHAPTER SEX!x

Kanrik: ...did you just say 'sex'?

Me: -shifty eyes- NO! Go do that to Hannah or something!

Hannah:**EW HELL NO! THAT NASTY BASTARD WILL NOT TOUCH MEH!**

-

Scene takes place in Taelia the Snow Faerie's igloo, where she is placing the  
'lost soul' she found during a storm, close to her fire.

Taelia: There, you poor thing. You will be warm in no time.

Valin: -jumps out from under the blankets- SURPRISE, BITCH!

Taelia: Ah!

Valin: -breaks a vase-

Taelia: NO! That was 4,075 neopoints!

Valin: -breaks a bookshelf-

Taelia: That was 15,500 neopoints!

Valin: -breaks a margarita glass-

Taelia: THAT STILL HAD LIQUOR IN IT! D:

Valin: -throws dice and a snowball at her-

Taelia: DON'T TOUCH THOSE YOU LITTLE--

Snowball: SPLAT LOLZ!

Taelia (wiping snowball residue off her face): I'm warning you! Stop that now or  
I will stop you myself!

Valin: Oh yeah?

Taelia: Yeah!

Valin: Ya momma!

Taelia: Watchoo say 'bout my momma, boy?

Valin: -grabs wand-

Taelia: Put that down!

Valin: Or what?

Taelia: Or else I'll--

Valin: OOPS! Too late!

-BZAP!-

(Taelia gets frozen inside a huge block of ice)

Taelia: Oh noes! I r fr0zen! D:

Valin (taking a piss on the ice): HA HA! -runs off-

Taelia: OMG Cum b4ck u sux0rz u n0b!11one!1!shift

(Next scene shows Hannah walking through the snow in a storm)

Hannah: It can't be much further.

Me: I wonder, why the hell is she going through the snow?

Itsy: You know, what I'm wondering is...how the hell does she  
even know where to go in the first place?

Garin (from CoM): Usuls have speshal powers:o

Sally (from BfM): SRSLY!1

Isty: SHUTTUP! D:

-goes back to plot-

Hannah (crouching on all fours): What is happening to me?

Garin: Sweet mother of Jebus! Is she going into labor?

Hannah: -glares- You...idiot...! I am not...pregnant...you...ass! -pants-

(Hannah collapses in the snow)

Me: Oh...PWN'd!

(Three unnecessary panels are used to show Hannah with the amulet, then the  
heart of the mountain, then Hannah again with the amulet glowing this time.  
BORING.)

END'd.


	7. Chapter 7

(Spoof typed up by Return Of Itsy with a little revision by The Dono Trio -AKA-  
Chibi-Dono Nebu-Dono and Sami-Dono)

Chapter 7 (dundunDUN!)

(Scene takes place with Armin the small walking through the snow and spotting  
Hannah)

Armin: Oh my! What DO we have here?

Taelia (from far away): STEAL HER WALLET!

Armin: Hm... >.> -steals wallet, then drags Hannah off to his cave-

(Next scene takes place with them both sitting by a fire and talking)

Hannah: So, err... what are you?

Armin: Eh? o.o

Hannah: I've never seen a species like you... So what are you?

Armin: I'm called Armin and I'm a bori--

Hannah: O RLY?

Armin: YA RLY!

Hannah: Continue.

Armin: Thanks. As I was saying, I'm called Armin and I am a bori.

Hannah: O RL--

Armin:/

Hannah: Sorry...

Armin: I'mArminAndI'mAboriAndMyPeopleLiveInsideTheMountainThatIsIfThere'sAnyoneLeft!  
-inhales-

Hannah: O.O Finished?

Armin: Not quite. There was once a beast, a monster--

Hannah: Well which was it? A beast or monster?

Armin: Um, both...?

Hannah: No no no... It has to be one or the other.

Armin: Says who?

Hannah: It's just logical!

Armin: But he can be both!

Hannah: If you're one thing you can't be another! Like, an usul can be an usul,  
but they can't be a wocky.

Armin: But species don't apply to what I'm saying... Can't 'beast' and 'monster'  
just be the same thing?...(To self: What a slutty fag...)

Hannah: I guess, but then you'd be calling him both of those things. It's like  
calling me an usul, and then calling me a girl usul. It's just a waste of breath  
'coz people already know what I am.

Armin: Bitch, can I just fucking continue?

Hannah: O.O Err, yeah... Yeah, go ahead...

Armin: He desired all the treasure within Terror Mountain--

Hannah: H-O-O-O-T DOG! There's treasure? I may hafta get my hands on summat! 8D

Armin: O.O Err, uh... NO! Nope, no treasure whatsoever! -nervous laugh-

Hannah: Ah, crap... Well, just go on with what you were saying, kid.

Armin: Okay. Hundreds of Bori lived happily within this mountain. That is, until  
HE came... He brought destruction and terror. Many Bori were killed. The leader  
of the Bori tribe cast a spell to protect his people.

Hannah: -eats popcorn- Oh... This is gettin' good. 8D

Armin: The spell froze my people within the ice. The heart of the mountain, a  
magical gem, kept us alive, warm, and safe from danger.

Hannah: Then why did he want it, if he knew that it was what kept you alive?

Armin: Because he was a dick...?

Hannah: But people aren't that mean! D:

Itsy: Need I remind you what Kanrik did?

Hannah: O.O WTF? Where the hell did YOU come from?

Itsy: PLACES, BITCH. -walks off angrily-

Armin: -sigh- I don't know what has happened, or where anyone else is. I woke up  
alone out here a few days ago and just have that old story going round and round  
in my head.

(Next scene cuts to the thieves camp, where they are already all assembled atop  
Terror Mountain)

Random thief: Oh my GOSH! I can't believe we're REALLY here! This is SO  
exciting! YAY! 8D LYK, I'LL GO GET A PRESENT FROM SNOWIEEEE!-fan girl scream-

Snowager: -eats him-

(New scene moves to Galem, Masila, and Valin, all inside a large tent)

Galem: S-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o... what have you to report?

Valin: Big faerie's frozen. Won't be trouble no more.

Galem: Did you poop on her to let her know whose boss?

Valin: Um... I peed on 'er...

Galem: -beats Valin- FOOL! You must always poop on them! POOP!

Valin: Stop beating me, master! Dx -hiss-s-s-s-s-

Masila: -bitch slaps Galem-

Galem: Dx

Masila: Be nice, DEAR... -forced smile-

Galem: Hurr hurr...right. I mean... GOOD JOB, VALIN:D Without her spells,  
things should go smoothly here.

Masila (handing Valin a small bag of Neopoints): As promised, here is your  
reward.

Valin: YEAH! HOOKERS AND BEER ALL NIGHT LONG FOR ME!

Masila: ...there's only 100 neopoints in there... That's not even enough to buy  
more than a couple of beers...

Valin: Aw, crap... -trudges off-

Masila (turns to Galem) ((Lmao it looks like Masila is about to suck out his  
very soul in this panel)): My love, if you wish I will walk among the thieves  
this night. They work hard and need words of encouragement.

Itsy: Boy, don't believe her! SHE LYIN' THROUGH HER TEEF! D:

Me: And she don't brush those teef!

Galem: Silence, you! Both!

Me:...SCREW YOU, BITCH!-kicks in the shin-

Itsy: ... -kicks Galem in the nuts and runs off-

Galem: AH! MY FUTURE CHILDREN! D:

Masila: Have fun hunny, mmkay? -prances off-

Galem (squeaky voice): Okay...but don't stay too late! Ow...

END.


	8. Chapter 8

(Spoof typed up by Return Of Itsy with a little revision by The Dono Trio )

Chapter 8 (wow, so elaborate, no?)

(Scene takes place with Masila speaking with Kanrik behind the group of trees.  
With them is the sarcophagus Kanrik found in the tomb)

Masila: So, my clever little love, you were the one who found what Galem was  
looking for. Do you even know what it is?

Kanrik: It's just an old coffin. And...I have a growing suspicion it may contain  
illegal drugs...

Masila: Oh no, it is so much more.

Kanrik: It is?

Masila: Yes.

Kanrik: Really?

Masila: Yes.

Kanrik: You're serious?

Masila: Yes...

Kanrik: No kidding?

Masila: YES...

Kanrik: You s--

Masila: YES, DAMMIT, YES! YES YES YES YES YES! GOOD FUCKING HELL, YES!

Kanrik: O.O;

Masila: -takes a deep breath- Ahem... Yes. You have brought back a great monster  
that could fight for us.

Kanrik: Wait, how do you know what's in it?

Masila: I'm a smart girl. I went to school. I'm not a dumbass!

Kanrik: But that still doesn't explai--

Masila: I HAVE MAGICAL POWERS, ALRIGHT?

Kanrik: ...o.o

Masila: -grinds teeth in anger- Well?

Kanrik: I don't know. I'll need more convincing.

Masila: With its help we could kill Galem and lead the thieves, you and I.

Kanrik: Hm...sounds tempting, but...

Masila: But what?

Kanrik: I dunno... Being the lead thief and thiefess, we'd have to share a tent.

Masila: So?

Kanrik: And a bed.

Masila: So?

Kanrik: You suck in bed.

Masila:O Ex-fucking-cuse ME?

Kanrik: Oh yeah, you heard me. You suck in bed. I'd bet Hannah was ten times  
better if her hot little ass wasn't dead.

Me: Gawd, Kanrik's stupid. SHE IS-gets mouth covered by Itsy-

Masila: -throws unnecessary tantrum- BUT WE CAN OVERTHROW GALEM! D':

Kanrik: Masila, I told you before, we cannot beat Galem. You saw what happened  
to the last thieves who tried to challenge him!

Masila: -rubs coffin- But they didn't have our little friend here... Release  
him, Kanrik. Set this beast on Galem and let him clear the way for us.

Kanrik: Galem is our leader, I cannot betray him.

Masila: Yes you can.

Kanrik: No, I can't.

Masila: Yes you can.

Kanrik: No, I really can't...

Masila: Yes you ca-a-a-a-a-an.

Kanrik: I'm serious... I can't.

Masila: Why not?

Kanrik: Do you have any idea how fucking stoned I am? I couldn't skin a  
snowbunny, let alone face Galem.

Masila: Well, you sleep it off and think about it. -leaves-

(Next scene shows Kanrik sleeping in his tent)

Kanrik (mumbling in his sleep): Asdfghjklkmknferm... Release him...  
Aswuiwnfnffpefl... Set this beast on Galem... Epqowijdnmxmaldjff... Lead the  
thieves, you and I... Qwdfvbrthjmyujkolasd... Remember to pick up milk, cheese,  
butter, and cereal at the store... -goes back into a heavy slumber-


	9. Chapter 9

(Spoof typed up by Return Of Itsy with a little revision by The Dono Trio )

Chapter Nine... (don't expect anything elaborate)

Kanrik (walking out of tent): Masila is right. This monster could work for us.

Masila: HELL YES I WAS RIGHT! -pelvic thrust of triumph-

Kanrik (looking at Techo and Wocky): You two give me a hand here.

Wocky (shrugging): Okay. -grabs Kanrik's crotch-

Kanrik: O.O HEY! NOT THAT!

Wocky: Oops... heh heh...

(They all open the coffin)

Bringer of Night (rising from coffin): RAWR! -flexes biceps- YEAH! Who's da  
Bringer of Night, bitch?

(Three whole panels are unnecessarily used to show the Bringer's eyes go from  
yellow to glowing red)

(Bringer starts walking towards thieves' camp)

Kanrik: Wait. Come back! I command you!

Bringer: -turns around and pimp smacks Kanrik- Bitch, don't choo know who da  
FUCK I am? I'm the Bringer, bitch!

Kanrik: I don't give a damn WHO the hell you are, you big-looking mother...

(Bringer raises army of icy skeletal soldiers)

Scorchio thief: WTF? RUN!

Zafara: Ah.

Galem: To arms! Defend the camp!

Masila: -throws a rock at the Bringer-

Bringer: Silly bitch! Yo weapons cannot harm me! Don't choo know who da FUCK I  
am? I'm da BRINGER OF NIGHT!

Me: Rawr.-throws potatos-

Masila: I'ma whoop yo ass, you big motha fucka!

(Masila gets pimp smacked)

Masila: Uh! -falls dramatically-

Bringer: Yeah! You my hooker now! I'm gonna RAPE ya bitch! Ya ready? Ya ready?  
Huh bitch? You ready bitch?

Kanrik: He--

Bringer: Oh, f'god sakes, Kanrik, SHUT DA FUCK UP, KANRIK. SHUT DA FUCK UP. KANRIK, NOOOOOOOO!

(Kanrik fires a lit joint into the Bringer's eye)

Bringer: Ah, ya got my head! I'm the Bringer, bitch! KANRIK! WTF is dis shit?  
Aw, I'm trippin' off acid! D:

(Skeletal warrior sneaks up behind Kanrik and attack)

Skeletal warrior: Gotcha, bitch! Oh, yeah! What now, mutha fucka? Gotchoo with  
my pimp cane, hell yeah!

Kanrik: DEFEATED! -faints-

(Next scene shows Hannah and Armin, faced by three angry snowbeasts)

Armin: Aw hell...

Hannah: Maybe we can bribe them with some nuts... I always carry some with me.

Armin: Heh...you said 'nuts'... xD

Itsy: Bitch, did you know how wrong that sounded, foo?


	10. Chapter 10

(Spoof typed up by Return Of Itsy with a little revision by The Dono Trio )

THE BIG ONE-ZERO! (That's 10, for those of you who are idiots)

(Scene takes place with the thieves battling the Bringer's skeletal army)

Random korbat: It's hopeless. We have been fighting all night and they keep  
coming!

Galem: -kills a skeletal warrior- Ha! I win!

Skeletal Warrior: -rises again- Rawr!

Galem: -kills it again- Ha! I win!

Skeletal Warrior: -rises again- Roar!

Galem: -kills it again- Ha! I win!

Skeletal Warrior: -rises again- Rr--

Galem: -plants and explosive in its pants and pushes it down a slope- I. WIN.

(Sun rises and the warriors are melt and die.)

Galem: The sun, it's killing them! -turns to the Bringer- STOP! I know what you  
are!

Bringer: O RLY?

Galem: You want to get into the mountain. We can help you find a way in.

Bringer: Damn straight.

(Galem turns to Kanrik, who is tied up)

Galem: You fool! You thought releasing that thing would benefit you?

Kanrik: How did you find out I was the one who released it?

Masila: -shifty eyes- DO NOT QUESTION THE GREAT PURPLE DINOSAUR!

Itsy: BARNEY!-kicks in the nuts, again.-

Galem: STOP KILLING MEH FURTURE CHILDERN! Anyhoo...Answer my question, foo!  
Kanrik: You mean it wasn't rhetorical?

Galem: No! You thought it would benefit you?

Kanrik: Yup.

Galem: I have killed better men than you for less, Kanrik!

Kanrik: Blow me.

Masila: -puts a hand on Galem's nose- Stop, my love. Killing is too good for  
this one. He is a thief. Banishment from the thieves' guild would be a far worse  
fate than death.

Kanrik: Oh yeah? WELL YOU CAN BLOW ME TOO!

Galem: Do as you please, Masila. You normally do. -turns to the rest of the  
thieves- What are you staring at? Start cleaning up this mess!

(The thieves start cleaning up the skeletal warrior bodies)

Random kyrii: Hey, we could totally make some awesome snow cones with these.

Random bruce: Just...shut up...

Masila: -holds up a potion- Open wide, Kanrik... :D

Kanrik: OVER MY DEAD BO-- (Masila forces his mouth open and pours in a vile  
purple potion-

Masila: There. All gone.

Kanrik: -sees an explosion of color in front of his eye- Whoa...what WAS that? I  
see pretty colors... 8D (Kanrik becomes drowsy and passes out)

Me: PURDY LIGHTA ONG.

END. :o


End file.
